forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
