so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Someone signed my nipple.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
