I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
