oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Randomize
