I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
