Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
