your room smells of hookers.
And success
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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