I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I supernannyed him into submission
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
