Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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