M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
