I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
