i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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