Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
