Porn is love you can see.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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