No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
