She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
