I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I am one with the molecules
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
