Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
