Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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