You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
