Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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