Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
