I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Michael Bay diarrhea
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
