I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
