just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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