Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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