I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
