the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
