I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
