I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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