But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
