I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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