i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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