It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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