one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
