my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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