mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
