I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
