I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
