Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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