my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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