i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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