I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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