this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
