Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
