what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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