Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
