Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
