Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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