May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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