After last night, I could never be a politician.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
