Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
i believe in u and ur pee
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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